Two news items have dominated North American media this summer: Greece is receiving yet another emergency loan to avoid the collapse of their economy and Donald Trump wants to be president.
The situation in Greece is dire, as people line up to obtain whatever small amount of money they can get
from the country’s banks. Unemployment has been over 25% for years now, with 73.5% of those unemployed remaining jobless for over a year. The country’s gross domestic product, the measurement of health for any economy, shrank from 354.62 billion USD in 2008, to 237.59 billion in 2014. That means the small Mediterranean nation has lost one-third of its economy in six years.
The Donald Trump storyline is more perplexing folly than anything else, as people ask themselves, “Is he really serious about running for U.S. President?” Skepticism is understandable. When it comes to performing stunts to gain attention, Trump makes Kim Kardashian look like a frumpy recluse. The Huffington Post is now refusing to put any coverage of the Trump presidential campaign on their “Politics” pages, stating that his “sideshow” is better suited for their “Entertainment” news. Uh-oh Donald, looks like the media is catching on to your modus operandi.
Here’s an idea that could meet everyone’s needs. Trump could just buy the country of Greece! He claims to be worth $10 billion; Greece’s population is slightly over eleven million. That would mean every man, woman and child in the country could get a paycheque of approximately $900 and change, much more than you can currently withdraw from an ATM.
If anyone could potentially muster up some empathy for the Greek financial situation, it should be Donald Trump. He’s filed for corporate bankruptcy four times, most recently in 2009, the same time that Greece began their slide down the steep slope toward insolvency.
Plus, Trump loves putting his name on things. Within twelve hours after signing the deal, all the signage at the airport would be changed to include the new name “Trump International Airport”. That has a nice ring to it. Not to mention all of the ancient ruins that could be “Trump-cated”, by building “the world’s greatest golf courses” around them. Why not just change the country’s name to Trumpania and get it over with.
Forget about “Celebrity Apprentice”. As country owner, Donald Trump could pre-empt any television program he wanted, and just sit in front of the camera loudly pontificating about whatever meandering diatribe happens to be going through his oddly coiffed head, “We need to build a wall to keep out the Albanians. They’re a bunch of thieves, freeloaders and livestock rapists. I know this because I have a lot of sources no one else has access to. I’m very successful, and I’ve been married to a lot of beautiful women. I also never take commercial airliners, because I’m very rich.” Okay, those are certainly well stated, very cohesive thoughts, anything else?
That’s when Trump could seize his larger agenda of holding the entire world hostage, since he will be in control of the world’s largest stockpile of oil. Not crude, but olive oil. “In New York, where I’ve done superhuman work and became really rich, people love to eat salads. Where’s all that dressing going to come from? That’s how I’m going to personally save the Greek economy. We’re going to raise the price of olive oil, and all the other salad eating countries will have to worship the ground I walk on….except for the Chinese. The Chinese are very smart, and they do most of their cooking with sesame oil.”
It won’t matter that nothing he says has any trace of factual basis, or whether it even makes sense. No one will be able to understand him anyway, since there’s no possibility he would try to learn Greek, “I don’t need to learn the language. Everyone here needs to learn English. That’s the language I’ve always used, and I’ve made a lot of money, a lot more than Obama or Hillary Clinton. Though they’re both invited to come to my new country and play a round of golf on one of my spectacular Trump golf courses. The point is, I’m very rich, and I speak English.”
Within days, Greek refugees will be lined up at the Macedonian border, begging the border guards to let them in. Meanwhile, Trump will have pre-empted the national news on TV to launch his new 24 hour “Celebrity Apprentice” rerun channel, which every Greek citizen will be required to watch.
And here’s a heartfelt message for the population of the former Greece, now Trumpania: Don’t worry about the rest of us. We don’t mind letting you have him. In fact, we insist. After all, we’ll still be able to look forward to hearing Trump spout off, only now on an international stage, “We should definitely have the next Olympics in Trumpania. It will be the greatest Olympics in history, because I’m going to be in charge of it myself, and I already own the Miss Universe pageant, so I know how to run a successful international competition.”
Picture it. Within months, thousands of Greek men will adopt “The Donald’s” hairstyle, and there will be a surge in Greek children named Ivanka and Donald Junior! Ah…what a wonderful world it will be. You’re welcome, Greece. Oh, and (Greek Prime Minister) Alexis Tsipras…..you’re fired.