Donald Trump Buys Greece

Two news items have dominated North American media this summer:  Greece is receiving yet another emergency loan to avoid the collapse of their economy and Donald Trump wants to be president.

The situation in Greece is dire, as people line up to obtain whatever small amount of money they can get

A man takes part in a anti-austerity pro-government demo in front of the parliament in Athens February 11, 2015.  REUTERS/Yannis Behrakis

A man takes part in a anti-austerity pro-government demo in front of the parliament in Athens February 11, 2015. REUTERS/Yannis Behrakis

from the country’s banks.  Unemployment has been over 25% for years now, with 73.5% of those unemployed remaining jobless for over a year.  The country’s gross domestic product, the measurement of health for any economy, shrank from 354.62 billion USD in 2008, to 237.59 billion in 2014.  That means the small Mediterranean nation has lost one-third of its economy in six years.

The Donald Trump storyline is more perplexing folly than anything else, as people ask themselves, “Is he really serious about running for U.S. President?”  Skepticism is understandable.  When it comes to performing stunts to gain attention, Trump makes Kim Kardashian look like a frumpy recluse.  The Huffington Post is now refusing to put any coverage of the Trump presidential campaign on their “Politics” pages, stating that his “sideshow” is better suited for their “Entertainment” news.  Uh-oh Donald, looks like the media is catching on to your modus operandi.

Here’s an idea that could meet everyone’s needs.  Trump could just buy the country of Greece!  He claims to be worth $10 billion; Greece’s population is slightly over eleven million.  That would mean every man, woman and child in the country could get a paycheque of approximately $900 and change, much more than you can currently withdraw from an ATM.

If anyone could potentially muster up some empathy for the Greek financial situation, it should be Donald Trump.  He’s filed for corporate bankruptcy four times, most recently in 2009, the same time that Greece began their slide down the steep slope toward insolvency. Trump for President

Plus, Trump loves putting his name on things.  Within twelve hours after signing the deal, all the signage at the airport would be changed to include the new name “Trump International Airport”.  That has a nice ring to it.  Not to mention all of the ancient ruins that could be “Trump-cated”, by building “the world’s greatest golf courses” around them.  Why not just change the country’s name to Trumpania and get it over with.

Forget about “Celebrity Apprentice”.  As country owner, Donald Trump could pre-empt any television program he wanted, and just sit in front of the camera loudly pontificating about whatever meandering diatribe happens to be going through his oddly coiffed head, “We need to build a wall to keep out the Albanians.  They’re a bunch of thieves, freeloaders and livestock rapists.  I know this because I have a lot of sources no one else has access to. I’m very successful, and I’ve been married to a lot of beautiful women.  I also never take commercial airliners, because I’m very rich.”  Okay, those are certainly well stated, very cohesive thoughts, anything else?Donald Trump Finger

That’s when Trump could seize his larger agenda of holding the entire world hostage, since he will be in control of the world’s largest stockpile of oil.  Not crude, but olive oil.  “In New York, where I’ve done superhuman work and became really rich, people love to eat salads.  Where’s all that dressing going to come from?  That’s how I’m going to personally save the Greek economy.  We’re going to raise the price of olive oil, and all the other salad eating countries will have to worship the ground I walk on….except for the Chinese.  The Chinese are very smart, and they do most of their cooking with sesame oil.”

It won’t matter that nothing he says has any trace of factual basis, or whether it even makes sense.  No Trump Hairone will be able to understand him anyway, since there’s no possibility he would try to learn Greek, “I don’t need to learn the language.  Everyone here needs to learn English.  That’s the language I’ve always used, and I’ve made a lot of money, a lot more than Obama or Hillary Clinton.  Though they’re both invited to come to my new country and play a round of golf on one of my spectacular Trump golf courses.  The point is, I’m very rich, and I speak English.”

Within days, Greek refugees will be lined up at the Macedonian border, begging the border guards to let them in.  Meanwhile, Trump will have pre-empted the national news on TV to launch his new 24 hour “Celebrity Apprentice” rerun channel, which every Greek citizen will be required to watch.

And here’s a heartfelt message for the population of the former Greece, now Trumpania:  Don’t worry about the rest of us.  We don’t mind letting you have him.  In fact, we insist.  After all, we’ll still be able to Trumplook forward to hearing Trump spout off, only now on an international stage, “We should definitely have the next Olympics in Trumpania.  It will be the greatest Olympics in history, because I’m going to be in charge of it myself, and I already own the Miss Universe pageant, so I know how to run a successful international competition.”

Picture it.  Within months, thousands of Greek men will adopt “The Donald’s” hairstyle, and there will be a surge in Greek children named Ivanka and Donald Junior!  Ah…what a wonderful world it will be.  You’re welcome, Greece.  Oh, and (Greek Prime Minister) Alexis Tsipras…’re fired.

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Barenaked Ladies Expose Themselves

Barenaked Ladies On StageIn 1988, teenager Ed Robertson played his first gig under the moniker “Bare Naked Ladies”.  Now, 27 years and 14 million album sales later, BNL is set to release their 14th album, “Silverball”.

The band, consisting of Ed Robertson (guitar, vocals), Jim Creeggan (bass, vocals), Kevin Hearn (keyboard, guitar, vocals) and Tyler Stewart (drums, vocals) are also set to launch a monster tour of the US, Canada and the UK.

CHILL sat down with Robertson and Stewart, just days before the two long time friends prepare to pack their bags and hit the road.Barenaked Ladies Silverball









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Tom Brady and the Deflation of Dignity

If you’ve been anywhere near a news source or another human being, over the last month, you’ve undoubtedly heard about quarterback Tom Brady and the media’s newest bandwagon scandal:  “Deflategate”.

Brady’s team, the New England Patriots, beat the Indianapolis Colts in the AFC Championship game on January 18th.  The score was 45 – 7, garnering Brady the opportunity to play in his sixth Super Bowl, the most by any quarterback in history.  The Patriots won that too, tying Brady with Terry Bradshaw and Joe Montana for the most Super Bowl victories, with four. Tom Brady with Football

However, something very odd happened during the first half of that AFC Championship.  Brady had a pass intercepted by Colts linebacker D’Qwell Jackson, who noticed something awry and handed the ball to a member of his team’s equipment staff.

It was discovered that eleven of the Patriots’ twelve game balls were underinflated by two pounds per square inch below NFL required standards.  That extra bit of deflation makes a football easier to grip and gives the passer a slight edge.

What followed only exacerbated the scandal and made it appear that Tom Brady and the Patriots were hiding something.  New England Patriots locker room attendant Jim McNally and equipment assistant John Jastremski exchanged texts throughout the season, with references to “Tom” and the adjustment of game ball pressures; they also mentioned gifts bestowed upon them from their quarterback.  In one exchange, McNally even nicknamed himself “the Deflator”.  Brady, suspected of involvement, refused to hand over his phone to investigators.

The decision handed down by the league was a one million dollar fine for the team and a loss of their 2016 first-round draft pick and a fourth-round pick in 2017, the most stringent sanctions ever levied upon a team in the league’s 95 year history.  Brady is suspended for four games, one quarter of the NFL regular season. Robert Kraft

Patriots team owner Robert Kraft said, “To receive the harshest penalty in league history is just not fair,” citing “inferences from ambiguous, circumstantial evidence all went against us.”

Hey, Robbie.  With all due respect, what isn’t “fair” is what your organization’s staff and Hall of Fame quarterback did to those footballs.  What is “circumstantial” is the fact that your team won football games using those balls, giving your offense an advantage.

In 2007, Patriots coach Bill Belichick was fined $500,000 for videotaping a New York Jets practice session.  The team was also fined $250,000 and lost their first round draft pick in 2008.  Belichick’s alleged objective was to learn the other team’s sideline coaching signals, giving his team…you guessed it:  an unfair advantage.

OJ Simpson Family GuyThey didn’t imprison O.J. Simpson for double murder, but the next time he went to court, they threw the book at him.  There’s nothing like a prison sentence to knock the smug smirk off someone’s face and the golf club out of their hands.  Maybe the harsh penalty imposed upon Brady and his team was a payback for what appears to be an ongoing policy of underhanded and unscrupulous tactics, designed to win at any cost.

“Winning” is the most sought after outcome by any athlete, as evidenced by Lance Armstrong, Marion Jones, Alex Rodriguez, Ben Johnson and many others.  It has also become a mantra of modern society.  Few remember the team who lost a particular Super Bowl game, World Series or Stanley Cup Playoff.  The thrill of competition is seemingly outshined by the visceral rush and material spoils slathered upon victors.

Oddly, though we love to win, even if only vicariously through a sports franchise, we seem to love to tear down winners.  It’s not only the media.  The general public flocks to the downfall of one of our chosen few, like a pack of hungry hyenas at a chicken farm. Gisele Bundchen

Tom Brady embodied the definition of “winner”.  He’s got centerfold good looks.  He’s married to one of the world’s top models, and he’s a multi-millionaire.  No drugs, no sexual indiscretions, no gambling, he’s maintained a squeaky clean record…until now.  In lieu of all the admiration Brady earned, secretly behind closed doors, this is a guy that many fans and most of the NFL probably yearned to see crash and disintegrate.

Which brings up another thought provoking question:  Why do we, as a culture, dwell upon insignificant and scandalous events?  Could it be because we’re so terrified by the world we live in, that we like to focus on harmless stories like deflated footballs and fellatio in the American White House.  Let’s face it.  Tom Brady makes for better conversation at backyard BBQs than the threat of ISIS, global warming or the possibility of water and food shortages. Gisele Bundchen Celebrates Tom Brady's Major 51 Point Win!

Subconsciously, we all know our world is like an angry pitbull.  You don’t dare look it straight in the eye, lest it might think you’re challenging it and rip you shreds.  So we spend our time contemplating publicized pratfalls by celebrities.

Instead, perhaps we should start regarding our planet more like we’re all NFL referees and pay closer attention to the ball.Earth

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